Conversations With Brain

(Source.)

Me: "Brain, why do we play solitaire? It's a pointless exercise in frustration that makes me want to scream and throw things."

Brain: "Do we?"

Me: "Do we what?"

Brain: "Throw things."

Me: "No, of course not."

Brain: "That's why we play solitaire."

Me: "To learn not to throw things."

Brain: "Yup."

Me: "..."

Brain: :-)

Me: "Where is this zen bullshit when I'm so depressed and paranoid I can't get move, Brain?"

Brain: "Talk to Emotions, those aren't my department."

Me: "They sorta are."

Brain: "Nope."

Me: "Sigh. Fine. Hey, Emotions-"

<FEELS>

Me: "Yes, Emotions, I'm aware of that. Have you tried this Zen thing Brain uses-"

<FEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEELS>

Me: "Brain, I kinda wonder if you shouldn't be helping with this."

Brain: "Nope, too busy calculating how many cats could fit into a Porsche if we assume cats are a gelatinous solid that have no need for air."

Me: "What!? Why in goddess' name would I need to know that!?"

Brain: "Dunno, just seemed like something to do."

Me: "You could help me function maybe."

Brain: "Nah. But as long we're talking about functioning, how's that novel coming?"

Me: "It's being crushed under the weight of a depression so black that I could blind an emo at thirty paces."

Brain: "Gee, that seems like something you should work on. I'll be over here with this highlights reel of all the times you ever failed. You know, if you need to talk."

Me: "...fuck you, Brain."