Wednesday, May 15, 2013

Congraduations


Ahh, graduation. A time to celebrate the achievement of surviving college and obtaining a degree. A time of regret for all that will be left behind, tempered by excitement at the future spreading out before the graduate. A time of of honorable tradition and ceremony. 

And, of course, a time to gouge the crap out of all those poor suckers just one last time. Case in point, one of those hoary old traditions: the graduation cap and gown. 

Now, I finished my degree in december, but the college only does one commencement a year. So, in a couple of days, I'll be called upon the shake the college president's hand and accept a flat leather folder containing a piece of paper informing the world that I've sunk three years of my life into getting half of a useful journalism degree. Although, "useful" and "journalism degree" go together about as well as "honest" and "politician."

So, naturally enough, I have to honor tradition (because they won't let you in if you don't) and head to the student store for the regalia of a graduate. For the low, low price of $37.93, I am now the less than proud owner of two of the least functional and most unflattering garments ever created. Also, a tassel. 

Amazingly, still more useful than Congress. (Source.)
First off, let me disabuse you all of a misnomer: the fashion abomination above is usually referred to as a "gown." For reference:

(Source.)
That's a gown. What we are forced to wear to graduation is, in fact, a robe. And not an awesome Sith Lord/Jedi/Ringwraith robe. No, this is the Sith robe of shaming, the robe that has had the mandatory Cowl o' Genre Appropriate Shadowing removed. This is the robe Jedi force Sith prisoners to wear, in the hopes that they will fear the sheer humiliation of being connected with that robe, and refuse to use their dark powers so no one will realize a Sith Lord is wearing that ridiculous sack.

And the worst part of spending money on this thing is, you have purchased a supremely useless garment for the cost of a pair of designer jeans, or cheap shoes, or even a decent dinner out — but you will only wear it once or twice, and categorically refuse to allow it near your body ever again after that. Because it's fugly, and you only bought it or had it bought for you because you had to in order to walk on that stage and get handed a piece of paper. 

Seriously, I will wear ugly clothes if there's a reason for them. Almost no-one looks good in a parka, for instance. But this damn thing is purposeless. It has no pockets, is so flimsy that it can't protect you from cold, but sturdy enough to have you gasping for air if it's warm outside. The material is usually too rough for sleeping. And besides, unless it was your absolute last resort and the alternative was to walk about buck naked, would you really even consider wearing a freaking robe outside in broad daylight?

Some of you would say yes, and for you, I can only imagine you're seeing the grad outfit's closest cousin: 

(Source.)
It's a bathrobe. But! 

Note the pockets. Note the warm, thick layers of fuzzy comfort. Note the built in garrote should anyone dare mock your magnificent leisure attire. It's a multi purpose garment, dang it. The grad outfit is just a shapeless sack. You put it on, you wear it, you take it off and burn it to ashes in protest of its existence. That's it, that's all it can do. But hey, that's ok. Because it's not the only dumb thing you'll be wearing at the party.

Did I mention there's a hat?

(Source.)


Yep! In addition to the honor and privilege of wearing the shower curtain you mistook for your bathrobe to a momentous ceremony that is, in part, to honor you, you also get the enviable joy of fastening a mousepad to your skull with the attached not-really-elastic cap. As in a "one size fits most depending on how you define 'fits'" cap. 

Oh, and the mousepad has the ponytail of an emo rag doll tied on to show everyone that you've graduated for the five seconds before you throw the thing straight up and hope it escapes the Earth's gravitational pull and gets sucked into orbit.

(Source.)
You know what? Tests, stress, debt, and fears about life after college aside...this may be the most compelling reason students drink so much. Because they know that after all the hell they put themselves through...they still have to wear these ridiculous outfits. In public. Surrounded by cameras, which are being wielded by the same people who show off those photos of their kids eating mud naked at the age of three. 

Why? Why would those who've been telling us for between two and ten years that they want to see us succeed force us to wear these awful things?

See, here's my theory. I think it's a secret test by the faculty to see how badly you want that degree. 

Sure, you've written essays over subjects that make your brain hemorrhage with boredom to get that degree. 

Sure, you've survived more flavors of math than you'll ever need to get that degree

And yes, you've sacrificed sleep, bypassed opportunities for fun, strained all your non-college relationships, and gained dozens of levels in badass and/or ass-kissing to get that degree

But.

Are you willing, after all that, to don a robe that you wouldn't give your worst enemy to die in, use a stretched out sock to hold an oversized bar coaster to your head, top the whole thing with miniature mop head, and stand up in front of everyone you know to get that degree?

Are you!?

Look on the bright side, though. For most of us, this is something we can put behind us with a half a dozen beers and a strong resolve to never speak of it again. But there are those of us students who will have nightmares of this day for the rest of their lives. Remember:

Fashion majors have to graduate too. 


Monday, May 13, 2013

Exhaustion Two Step

For the record, the exhaustion two step consists of aimless shuffling. Almost zombie-like.

If you're not within physical speaking distance of my person, or haven't called me on the phone lately, I've got good news and bad news:

The good news is, I got a job! It is, unfortunately, a minimum wage customer service job. But it's full time and will work around the continuing education I need to justify the time I've spent in college so far. So the "constantly broke" situation will soon ease up.

The bad news is that, being a mostly ethical person, I'm in the process of finishing out my two weeks at my current job. While starting part-time at the new job. And by part time, I mean that I'm working full shifts at the new job whenever I'm not working full shifts at the old job. The upshot of which is that I haven't had a proper day off in seven days straight.

What does this mean and why am I telling you?

Well, my brain is so shut down that I've been trying to write something meaningful for the last few hours, and nothing's kicking out. Hell, I've spent more time editing blatant typos out of this post than I have writing it.

So: I'm working up a humor piece for Wednesday.

Then I have a few days off to recuperate and enjoy the company of my sister, a commitment ceremony with my man, a little tie with my family, and the local Gay Pride celebration.

Ranting will resume next Monday.

Monday, May 6, 2013

Theo-crap-acy

Good morning, sports fans! First, my apologies for the vitriol last Wednesday. I was, as noted, depressed. So to all my readers, but especially those who do promote my stuff: I'm sorry. I'm going to try and keep a couple of reserve posts as backups from now on so I don't blog when I'm seriously down. 

Onwards, then! 

I present to you now, for your consideration, the following:



This was posted on Facebook by an old friend, one whom I've actually had serious discussions about LGBT issues and the state of the world with. And, up until this popped up on my feed, I had thought we were in a "live and let live" detente. So I naturally asked for clarification, albeit laconically. 

Her response is as follows:

God cannot tempt us and puts no evil inclinations into our hearts. All of our desires and drives He built into us so our lives might reflect His glory and goodness. But our fallen nature allows Satan the chance to try and twist and defigure what God has given us. He distorts our natural yearnings into temptations. To call same-sex sexual attractions a natural orientation is one of today’s most prevalent heresies. 

Why not extend the same protection to all sins? What of those oriented towards sloth, gluttony, anger...? Why should any act be defined as a sin? Where does this heresy end? 

And how confusing for our children! The message we are giving them is clear: Ignore God’s law and trust only in your own desires. There is no sin or sinful nature. Do as you please. It sounds very similar to a serpent’s whispered words in a far off garden, yes?

We can tie up the courts with these matters. We can pass laws to protect an individual’s right to a sinful life. We can even attempt to redefine marriage to include relationships outside of the true sacramental right. But we cannot fool God. And in the end, each and every one of us is going to have to answer Him for the part we played in letting this heresy take root.


This is going to take two separate responses, as the image and the text are from two different sources and heave two slightly different messages. On the image, then:

Well, thanks! It's nice to know I'm broken. How do we fix it, then? Oh, that's right. It's not a fixable issue.

In fact, the best one can do is choose whether or not to act on one's sexual orientation. And, as the above report notes, trying to "fix" homosexuality simply doesn't work. All the therapy in the world won't make a gay man or woman straight; it can, however, teach them to accept that they are, and then help them cope with their decisions on how to proceed. 

Choosing to abide by any religious ideal, and choosing to not act on your orientation, is fine. Hell, if you're that devoted to your beliefs, it's laudable. But implying that ten percent of the population is broken in such a way that they cannot be fixed is, as I've said before, inhumane and evil. 

Why? Well, there's therapy for everything we can fix. There's medical treatment facilities for the things we can't. So if there's no therapy, and one is definitively broken if one is gay...will we be rounding up ten percent of the population and locking them away in treatment facilities? 

Oh wait...that sounds like a rights abuse...

Hmmm...well, at least there's legislation against that sort of thing, right? Just like all those nice laws that used to prevent us from dealing with other imperfect people, like blacks, Jews, Asians, and so on. 

Oh, but they can't choose not to be what they are! Uhh...well, remember that study I linked up there? The one that says neither can gay people? 

But hey, we can choose not to act like we're gay! Just like those blacks, and Jews, and Asians can choose not to act like they're—what do you mean it's racist and demeaning to impose our cultural perceptions on minorities? 

But God says it's ok! 

"God" has also historically condoned slavery, white supremacy, religious despotismgenocide, and killing infants. And just so we're clear, anyone that wants to whine about the Old Testament-y goodness can have this: 
And it is easier for heaven and earth to pass, than one tittle of the law to fall — Luke 16:17
So I'm going to have to point out that following "God" does not make you a good person, or even correct person. It makes you a religious person. And if a deity insists that to follow its precepts, you must work for the detriment of your fellow humans, then I believe that's a horrible religion and I recommend you find a new one. 

But hey, anyone can believe anything so long as they don't force me to live their religion with or for them, right? Because this is a country of liberties, a country where we have the right to live and worship howsoever we wish. 

Which leads us into the response to the text portion of this. For those that don't want to scroll up, here we are again:

God cannot tempt us and puts no evil inclinations into our hearts. All of our desires and drives He built into us so our lives might reflect His glory and goodness. But our fallen nature allows Satan the chance to try and twist and defigure what God has given us. He distorts our natural yearnings into temptations. To call same-sex sexual attractions a natural orientation is one of today’s most prevalent heresies. 

Why not extend the same protection to all sins? What of those oriented towards sloth, gluttony, anger...? Why should any act be defined as a sin? Where does this heresy end? 

And how confusing for our children! The message we are giving them is clear: Ignore God’s law and trust only in your own desires. There is no sin or sinful nature. Do as you please. It sounds very similar to a serpent’s whispered words in a far off garden, yes?

We can tie up the courts with these matters. We can pass laws to protect an individual’s right to a sinful life. We can even attempt to redefine marriage to include relationships outside of the true sacramental right. But we cannot fool God. And in the end, each and every one of us is going to have to answer Him for the part we played in letting this heresy take root.


So, let's kick this off by defining the most popular word up there: heresy.

Now, my good friends over at Merriam-Webster define heresy two ways: one is any dissent from a religious organization's accepted view, especially dissent towards the Roman Catholic Church by a baptized Catholic; and second, as dissent from a prevailing theory, opinion, or custom. Well, damn. I guess that means anything that isn't acceptable to a church is heresy. Anything. 

For the record, by the way, I am a heretic by the most narrow definition of the word. I am a baptized Catholic who has repudiated the Church and works against the portions of its dogma that are inherently harmful to humanity. And that's not an "in my opinion" moment. That's a "hey look, they're causing psychological and in some cases physical harm" moment.

Moving on: the problem with declaring heresy in the religious sense, is that it's technically heretical to advertise a burger special on a Friday in Lent. The problem with declaring it secularly is that the Civil Rights movement (not to beat that horse into the ground) was socially heretical.

So claiming heresy, and the fact that something is heretical, is a valid reason to work against it is not good enough. If it was, we'd be living in caves and killing each other with rocks over who has the best berries and which women have the strongest teeth and bones structures.

But hey: that's cool. You have a faith system, and it's yours, and you like it and want to share. That's fine. You can worship as you please, live as you please, raise your children as you please. What you may not do is tell me how to worship, live, and raise my kids.

Just as most people wouldn't allow the institution of Sharia law as the essential tenets of the American legal system, I can't allow the establishment a Christian Theocratic state. And they are the exact same thing, because they would have the exact same results: pain and suffering, religious and moral cleansing, and an end to the "free" nation that many who wish for such a state claim to love.

Why don't we extend the same protection to other "sins"? Well, because stealing isn't inherent as a rule. And as there isn't usually anything inherent to a person that makes them steal, it  is not inhuman to declare the they must control their theft habit. And when there is such an inherent cause, we extend treatment and help. The same goes for gluttony, sloth, and anger.

And that treatment and help model, I'd like to remind you, doesn't work and is impossible to ethically administer for homosexuality.

Furthermore, it's only confusing for children being raised with precepts that specifically hold homosexuality to be a sin. But that's fine, we'll just legislate to ensure that children are free from anything that—

Um, guys? We are all aware that Jehovah's Witnesses can't give or receive blood, yes? So, if we're going to ensure that children learn their God's law is paramount, does that mean the rest of us have to stop having blood transfusions as well?

Oh, never mind. We need to respect the Amish religion enough to not confuse their children, so we won't have modern medicine anyway.

Hmm? Oh, right, we can't expect everyone to live by Amish principles. Ohhhhh...

(Source)
The problem is the conflation of "there is no sin" with "there is no wrong." What a faith declares to be sinful is wrong to its practitioners, not wrong inherently. Making this particular argument implies that because people act in a way that is not consistent with a certain faith, the human race as a whole will accept wrong behavior.

Finally, I'll close with these questions:

How does repressing homosexuals work for the greater glory of God?

How does forcibly evangelizing through legal manipulation in direct opposition to the precepts of liberty this nation operates on reflect His goodness?

And how is insisting that thousands of people you have never and will never meet live in a way that is socially and culturally acceptable to you the only moral thing to do when it is your religion being used as the model, but heinous and evil when it is someone else's religion or beliefs?

Wednesday, May 1, 2013

Massive Depression

Today will be short and sweet, due to my being vastly depressed that no one seems willing to pay me to do anything whatsoever, much less pay me to write. And by depressed, I do in fact mean resurgence of the clinical depression, yes.

Last week, I wrote a porn story. It features obscure fetishes that 90% of the population would be horrified to learn even exist. Within one week of hitting the content hosting website I wrote it for, that story has more total page-views than this entire blog in its entire lifespan.

So many of you have come up to me and said, "You have to keep blogging, I love what you do!" And yet, I have a tidal-pool audience. Despite my best efforts to get what I do out there, no-one's helping. You love it enough to seek me out, to raise it as a point when I stop blogging. But you haven't got two seconds to share it on FB, to mention to a friend that "oh, I read this thing online."

Fuck.

Every.

One.

Of.

You.

Is that over harsh? Isn't it my job to promote myself?

When was the last time you found a book or author that you'd never heard of through promotional crap? Don't you normally hear about good books, good authors, new reading material from your friends?

And while we're at it, if you have thirty seconds to spam my page with twenty inspirational messages about the powers of Jesus, or fifty kittens, or how much of a bitch you are, or eCards or whatever your poison of choice is, why the hell haven't you got time to repost a blog you like?

One blog. Fifty kittens. And I'd like to point out that for good or ill, social commentary is unfortunately more relevant to your life than kittens, godsdamnit.

But you know what? Fuck it. Have a kitten.

(Source.)
Because that's what gets shared, that's what you want the world to see of you, yes? Sex, crude humor, memes, and kittens.