Brothers and sisters, we are gathered here today to mourn the loss of one of the bastions of our society, Sanity. While Sanity's children Liberty, Justice, and Progress get more face time in the media, it was Sanity that supported and encouraged them in their younger years. The three surviving children have all said they're unsure of how to proceed without their father's guidance, and that they will miss him dearly.
Sanity, already suffering from a series of fits over the last few decades, took to his bed a few days ago when he learned that Boehner believes releasing the government from a hostage situation
before continuing the long term budget negotiation would be equivalent
to "unconditional surrender" despite having had all year to fight and wrangle over the budget without being able to force through
major cuts to public welfare and health related programs without
accepting any compromise on cuts to military spending or corporate
subsidies, or allowing new tax programs that create higher rates for
those who can afford to pay them.
The venerable value took a further turn for the worse when he heard rumors that members of the Republican party believe the looming threat of default was a "political ploy"
designed to pressure the GOP into releasing their hostages and allowing
the government to resume functioning, in spite of repeated warnings
from the Treasury department that failure to raise the debt ceiling
really would hurt the economy.
Sanity slipped into a coma and passed on from this world upon hearing that various individuals
blame the president for the various closures of memorials and national
parks, despite the clear warnings by all parties involved that the
facilities would close without appropriations.
While alive, Sanity enjoyed spirited debate, honest communication, and participating in team efforts to create a brighter future. He strongly supported his friends in the military, while feeling outraged at their continued needless sacrifices on foreign soil. He worked tirelessly for civil rights, and open understanding and education in support of his children's careers.
Sanity suffered from degenerative illness in his later years, but often said he hoped to get stronger and hold on long enough to see a unified, loving country where all were truly equal. His last words before slipping into a coma expressed his regret that his illness would deprive him of that, and fear that without his aid, the work he'd done in his lifetime would unravel.
Sanity is preceded in death by his father, Public Service, his mother Truth, his sister Objectivity, and his wife, Reason. He is survived by his children Liberty, Justice, and Progress.
Farewell, most wondrous of virtues. We can only hope to see his like again.